“Go find someplace else!”

A perfect example about the distinctions I was trying to make in my last entry: A friend recently came to me with a story about how last week she found two people in her bathroom having sex in a stall. Not only were they having sex at 10:30am in the middle of the week, but they were also being very loud. When she entered the bathroom, she too tried to make as much noise as possible to alert the couple to her presence, but she actually had to walk over to the stall and bang on the door before they would stop. This is the kind of behavior I am addressing in this blog. Why would anyone want to be so public with an act that is traditionally so private?

I have one last story before I start exploring other research outside of personal narratives.

***
There is Boy1, Boy2, and Boy3, all living in a triple. Boy1 and Boy2 are good friends, while Boy3 is an outcast in his own room. Boy1 continuously has sex with his girlfriend inside the room in the middle of the night while he thinks that his roommates are sleeping. Little does he know, they are, in fact, NOT sleeping, and perfectly aware of his escapades. After Boy3 filed a complaint, a member of Residential Life sits down with Boy1 and tells him that he can no longer have sex while his roommates are present. He is told to either find someplace else, or ask his roommates for a little bit of personal time in the room. Boy1 assures everyone that it would not happen again.

Meanwhile, The Girlfriend is living in the triple with the three boys. Boy1 is told that she has to move out, and he agrees that she will, but of course she never does. They stop having sex late at night for a little while, but after a couple weeks it starts back up again, gradually getting louder and louder every time.
***

When I first came across this story, my first instinct was to write it off as just someone making an honest mistake while trying to hide a necessary part of their life. However, because these incidents never actually stop, it could indicate that Boy1 not only threw away the wishes of his roommates, but he seems to become more and more comfortable with these situations as time goes on.

Another thing that I find interesting is that, while talking with others, people seem to be more appalled at the behavior of The Girlfriend than of Boy1. As a society, I think that we (as stereotypical as it may sound) assume that men have sexual needs and that they will do almost anything in order to sustain…even if that means having sex in front of their roommates. On the other hand, women are supposed to be able to control their sexual urges; they are seen as being more sexually conservative and it is surprising to people (myself included) that any woman would want to have sex in front of two other (uninterested) men.
This is an issue I think I will carry onto other entries in this blog.

One last element that I think should be brought to the table is, if it’s not appropriate to have sex in front of roommates, in public bathrooms or showers, or other public spaces, where should college students have sex? Obviously the ideal place is in one’s own room without any roommates present. But it just seems a little contradictory that we tell students to “go find someplace else,” while at the same time listing all of the places they cannot go. It is not surprising that you often hear stories (or at least I have) of teenagers in particular having sex in ridiculous places such as on playgrounds or in baseball dugouts.

Although I have provided mostly generalizations and case studies so far, in the second half of this blog I will examine more articles and other research involved in these topics to help answer the questions posed throughout this blog.

“Shhh…I think I just heard someone in here…”

This morning, someone I know told me that when she went to use the bathroom last night at around 2am, she encountered two people having sex. They were in a stall, so it wasn’t completely visible, but it was still very easy to tell what was happening in there. The witness tried to make as much noise as possible to alert them to her presence, and they did seem to stop while she was there.
Although encountering bathroom sex might be a little awkward, and uncomfortable, would you rather encounter it in the bathroom or in the bed next to yours? Personally, I’d prefer the bathroom.

As different people have been sharing stories with me about the awkward experiences that they’ve encountered, I’ve come to notice that most of the people subjected to “watching” these sexual acts do not find them acceptable at all. Only the participants seem to think that their behavior is tolerable. But then why does this still happen? And why does it seem so widespread? It goes way beyond this small liberal arts college, beyond New England, and even beyond the US. How many of these acts come out of necessity or desperation and how many come out of just a pure disregard for the presence of others?

I like to think that there are groups that represent both of these ideas. But in my experience I have noticed that the difference is that usually those who partake in these activities in order to fulfill a need tend to at least make an attempt to keep what they are doing quiet. However, there are still those who make no attempt whatsoever. I really want to know why. Its one thing to have sexual relations in front of people, but it’s another thing entirely to not even try to hide it.

"Do you guys mind of I use this right now?"

RAs are expected to follow a certain code of confidentiality. It is unethical for us to talk about what happens to residents on our floors, because then no one would feel comfortable telling us anything anymore. But at the same time, we’re only students ourselves, and sometimes keeping all of these secrets can be stressful. This is why it is considered perfectly acceptable for us to share stories with other RAs; the idea is that we can all have people to talk to, while no one is breaching trust outside of the circle of RAs. As you can imagine, a lot of talk goes on at the watering hole.

When I first decided to write this blog about sexual behavior, I was disappointed that I would not be able to share any of these stories because everyone would know who I was talking about. However, because so much information is shared between RAs, any of the stories that I disclose in this blog can pertain to any dorm building anywhere, not just at this school. Obviously the names will be changed, but this way I can disclose personal experiences that I myself have come across, as well as circumstances other RAs have experienced as well. I’ve been speaking mostly in generalizations so far, and I think it’s about time that I share the things that have really happened, maybe they were here, or maybe someplace else.
(*Disclaimer: If, for whatever reason, you recognize these stories, please continue to keep the identities of these persons secret, at the very least while you are commenting within this blog.*)

***
Samantha is a freshman who lives in a triple; one of her roommates she likes, while the other, Heather, gets on her nerves quite frequently. One day, Samantha and her friend Abby are studying in the room together. All of a sudden, Heather storms in from the bathroom, brandishing her vibrator around, and asks, “Do you guys mind if I use this right now?”
Heather ignores the open books lying in front of the girls and presses the question. Samantha is so shocked she is unable to respond, while Abby declares, “yes! I do mind!” Heather looks at Abby with disgust and states, “you don’t even live here!” Then she turns to a speechless Samantha and continues, “Don’t even worry, I’ll be real quiet.” While she says this, Heather turns off the lights, turns on some music, locks the door, and climbs into her bed. Now both girls are speechless.
After almost twenty minutes, Samantha finally works up some courage and shouts, “You’re done!” while turning off the music and switching on the lights. Afterward, Heather complains that she should have gotten some more time.
***

Stories like this one are not uncommon. I don't think that these acts are gaining popularity, but people are beginning to think that they're acceptable just because of how often they are happening.

Who do you think is at fault for this incident occurring? What would you do if you were in the same position as Abby or Samantha?

“There’s a time and place for everything…”

Working for Residential Life this semester at a small liberal arts college in New England, you can imagine that I’ve come across some weird stuff. Let’s face it, there are always going to be strange people in life, but sometimes it seems as if college campuses are breeding grounds for the bizarre. As one of my high school teachers once told me, “There’s a time and place for everything, and that place is college.” And I totally agree. I believe there are things that are socially acceptable in the college setting that people would never dream of doing otherwise. There won’t be many other times in life when you can drink lots of beer, hard liquor, play drinking games, throw up, drink more beer, throw up again, play more games, pass out, and wake up the next morning and deem it as “kick-ass.” It just doesn’t happen (and if it does, never to the same extreme).

Sex is the same way. For most people, college is the first time they have had to share a room since they were young. It makes sense that sometimes people have certain sexual needs that they need to fulfill from time to time. I think sometimes this is what creates a situation when someone is subjected to witnessing their roommate perform sexual acts. But why not ask for some privacy? Many students just don’t. Sometimes, within a room, it can be perfectly acceptable to have one roommate studying with a friend, while the other performs sexual acts. Nowhere else in life, I would think, would this ever be acceptable.

Here’s an interesting question for people to respond to: why do you think these behaviors (any of them, it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to sex) are acceptable at college but not anywhere else?

A Brief Introduction

Every college student has heard of it happening, if it hasn't happened to them personally. Roommates get "sexiled" (the act of exiling someone from a room in order to have sexual relations in it) all the time. Maybe you come back to a rubber band on the doorknob, or read a text message on your way back from class ("cn i hve lik 20 min?"), or you are blatantly asked to leave when a guest arrives. Sure it can be an inconvenience, but would you rather give your roommate some space for a little while, or be there as it happens?

Some don't have a choice. Judging by what I have observed, more and more, kids are disregarding the presence of others and performing sexual acts regardless of who else might be in the room. This could be as benign as thinking a roommate is asleep when they in fact, are not, all the way to deliberately having sexual relations while a roommate is present and conscious. Some of us have been that roommate, and what a lot of us cannot seem to fathom is why do these people not only ignore their roommates' comfort levels, but why do they even feel comfortable engaging in these acts in front of others in the first place?

In this blog I am going to explore the reasons why people feel these behaviors are socially acceptable, and how others around them may feel. Other closely related topics such as voyeurism and exhibitionism I think will help to guide my insights on this subject. I especially want to know why some college students living in dorms feel that is is acceptable to engage in sexual acts among the presence of others.